


Fallen Angel

by DustyAttic



Series: Evak Family [6]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 08:12:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12955053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DustyAttic/pseuds/DustyAttic
Summary: Isak and Even's son, Aspen, deals with an eating disorder.This is Aspen's shame.





	Fallen Angel

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHH ok so this took like a month to write. It was super hard for me and so personal, like a lot of this is literally from my own poetry at dark times. I hope you guys like it<33  
> Also TW for eating disorders and body issues.

The room smelled like sweat and hair spray and disinfectant wipes, and it was everything Aspen grew up with and everything he wanted to remember when he thought back on his childhood and teenage years. 

“Hi,” Ida said as she walked up next to him, dropping her bag at his feet. Aspen turned, forced a smile, dropped down to kiss her waiting mouth. 

“Hi,” he said back. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun on the top of her head, eyebrows starker like this. She frowned, eyes dark. They crinkled around the edges as she drew in her eyebrows. 

“Why didn’t you answer me last night? Are you okay?” she asked, reaching up to cup the side of his face with one hand. He looked like shit and he knew it, too tired, eyes too dark underneath and hair too messy. 

Instead of saying yes or no or don’t worry about it, he leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and then the nose. “I love you.” 

She opened her mouth, but then their teacher walked in, clapping her hands together, and everyone ran over to the bars, ready for warm ups. Aspen smiled, squeezed Ida’s hand before dropping it. “Let’s go,” he said, walking over. She followed a few seconds later. 

 

When Eva had first signed Ida up for ballet, back when the little girl was only two or three, it took about four days before Aspen knew he wanted to do it, too. He, Faina and Eden had all been playing soccer since they were old enough to kick a ball, and, although he liked it fine, something about Ida jumping around in her tiny tutu, hair all done up, squeaking at him to watch her twirl, instantly convinced him he needed to be dancing, too. 

Their first practice together was easy. There was a lot of stretching and then a little bit of jumping up and down and plié-ing. And then they went home, and Aspen was a ball of energy, so excited to be doing something he loved. 

“That’s so good, baby,” Even said as he exclaimed for the millionth time how much fun he’d had that day. 

“And Ida likes it too!” he said excitedly, swinging his legs back and forth under the table. 

“Somebody likes Ida,” Faina had teased, raising her eyebrows. 

Aspen flushed, but Faina wasn’t wrong. He’d always been a little bit in love with Ida. 

“Aspen, come here,” Eden had said then, running in and grabbing Aspen’s hand. “I’m playing superheros and I need you to be spiderman!”

Smiling, Aspen had stumbled off his chair and followed him. 

 

As they grew up, Eden became a bit brawnier, with hair he kept buzzed and arms that were just a little big and a smile that was even bigger. Girls liked to hang off his arms, but he wasn’t really interested in them. He was more interested in playing soccer and hanging around their friends, giggling over FIFA matches and going out with Faina and their dads. 

Aspen, on the other hand, grew up tall and lanky, hair curling down over his eyebrows. He and Ida would lay next to each other and watch recordings of some of the best ballets of all time. And Aspen would watch the way the dancers were all lean muscle, thin and delicate and powerful. He was skinny, yes, but there was something he didn’t have yet. Something fragile but strong about the dancers on the big stage. 

“She’s amazing,” Ida would say, pointing at one of the ballerinas. They were still young, eleven and twelve, so Aspen would nod along, and ignore that feeling in his chest of wanting to look like them. 

 

Faina sometimes took the boys into her room at night and painted their nails. She would tug tiny braids into Aspen’s hair. “You have such pretty hair. Mine’s too white,” she’d say softly. 

“Yours is pretty, too,” he’d say. “Besides, I have to look beautiful for when I’m a famous dancer.” And, with saying this, he’d run one thumb over the inside of his thigh, feel the softness there. 

This was before Eden would jump in between them, saying, “Excuse me, I’m the beautiful one!”

And when their dads called them out for dinner, Aspen would drain his water glass first, and then eat his vegetables, and then push everything else around with his fork. 

 

Ida gave him his first kiss when she was thirteen and he was fourteen. Eden was in the other room, having gotten bored with their game and deciding watching TV with Lisa and Faina would be better. The three of them- Ida, Aspen and Eden- had always been close friends, but with Ida and Aspen it was something different. 

They were laying next to each other on their backs, heads side by side, talking about something silly. He was being especially dumb, forever trying to make her laugh. She did laugh, and then she propped herself up on her elbow and smiled down at him. “Aspen?”

“Mmhmm?” 

Her hair was down and dark and curly; her eyes were blue grey and the beauty mark on her cheek fit its name. When she kissed him, it was brief and calm, and it felt like coming home. 

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time,” she whispered after pulling away, the biggest smile pulling over her face. He could feel that she was shaking with nerves but her voice was steady and sure. He was shaking, too. 

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

So he kissed her again. 

 

It started with the little comments. After growing up with his eyes glued to bodies dancing, moving as gracefully as angels fallen from heaven, his own body began to look like something ugly; something he should be trying to change. And, so, once he and Eden and Ida were older, all at Nissen, the small remarks people made about his physique began to take root in the back of his mind and sprout into something uglier than he, himself, could ever be. 

He knew nobody meant any harm by it. He knew that. So he never spoke up. 

Even though it stung. 

 

“Woah, sweet boy, leave some for your brother,” Isak said one night as he came home to Aspen scooping a huge pile of pasta onto his plate. 

As soon as he spoke, Aspen felt his heart hiccup. He dropped the spoon, frowning at the food. He’d been starving just a second ago- after three hours of dance to prepare for their big show, his body was craving carbs in order to rebuild. Now, though… now he felt a bit sick. 

He felt his dad come up behind him and lay on hand on his shoulder, pulling him in for a brief hug. He wasn’t thinking about what he had said- didn’t understand the spiral of panic he’d just sent down Aspen’s spine. So, instead of getting angry, Aspen just picked up his plate and walked off towards his bedroom, ignoring Isak’s question of how his day had been. And, in his room, he pushed the pasta around, eating about half of it until he decided to go to sleep, instead. 

 

It wasn’t always his family. Sometimes it was friends. Like when Jasper said something about how he probably couldn’t lift his own weight- more a jab at how little Aspen was able to bench, not how much he weighed, but when you’re falling ill, the things in your head and the things people say start to run together. 

And then, once in awhile, it was Ida. He knew she meant even less by it than anyone else, knew all she ever did was try to make him happy, but his mind was betraying him, twisting things out of his control. 

Sometimes, when they got home, they would just sit in quiet, doing their homework. They’d get a snack and spend a few minutes talking, and then they’d just take out their books and chill. Today was not one of those days. 

They’d been eating cereal, but Ida had taken too big of bite and some of the milk had dribbled down her chin, so Aspen reached over and wiped it off with his thumb. She smiled and then, instead of moving his hand, he cupped her cheek and leaned forward to kiss her. 

“Mm,” Ida hummed, a happy sound. She reached up and rested her hand over his, tilting her head further up. “What are you doing?”

“Do you have a lot of homework?” Aspen mumbled, standing her up and walking them towards his bed. 

“Not really,” she said, climbing on top of him and as they layed down. “Why? Are you suggesting something?”

“No,” Aspen said, smiling as he drew her closer by the small of her back. 

The small girl snorted, which interrupted their kiss, but Aspen just kissed her forehead and laughed through his nose. 

This was soft and quiet, too, like working would have been, except this was more pleasant. 

“Is anyone home?” Ida whispered softly, a few minutes later, as she reached under the hem of Aspen’s shirt. 

“No,” the blond boy shook his head. 

“Mm. I thought I heard something.”

“Nobody will be home for a while,” Aspen shook his head again, gently unclasping her bra with one hand. She smiled against his mouth, and then the bedroom door swung open and Eden was coming in, saying something about school, and Ida was pushing Aspen off her and grabbing the blankets like she was drowning and only they could keep her afloat.

“Jesus! Sorry, sorry!” Eden said immediately as he backed out, slamming the door behind him. There were a few moments of shocked silence, and then Ida groaned from her place buried in the covers, putting a pillow over her face. 

Letting out a startled, quiet laugh, Aspen hovered over to her. “Well shit.”

“Yeah, shit! Oh my god, he’s never going to look at me the same again!” Ida said, muffled by the pillow. 

“He’ll recover. It’s not like he didn’t know we were dating before hand,” Aspen said, reaching under the pillow to tug out a stray curl. He fake pouted. “Come out from there. I miss you.” 

“No,” Ida shook her head. “I’m never coming out again.”

Pouting deeper, Aspen layed down next to her and nosed at her cheek, which wasn’t completely hidden. “Come on,” he said softly. “He won’t care. Really. He’ll just be awkward for a few minutes, and then he’ll be fine. It could’ve been worse- it could’ve been one of my dads. Or your pappa!”

“Why would my pappa be here?” Ida asked, clearly still trying to sound annoyed but failing. 

“I don’t know, but imagine if he walked in on us. He’d kill me.”

“He loves you.”

“He didn’t when he first found out we were dating,” Aspen said, raising his eyebrows. “Even though you were the instigator. I was just a sweet, innocent child.”

At this, Ida let out a muffled laugh. “Oh please. Innocent.”

“Yep. Anyway, Eden will be fine. Now come out from there.”

After a long sigh, Ida removed the pillow. Her cheeks were still hot and red, and she was frowning, but Aspen knew she wasn’t upset. That is, however, until she hit him over the head with the pillow as hard as she could. 

“Jesus!” the blond boy laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. “What was that for?”

“I told you I heard somebody,” Ida shrugged, sitting up and reaching for her bra. She began to get dressed, and Aspen flopped on the bed, watching her with a pout. 

“You’re leaving?”

“No. But I feel like we should go watch TV or something, so he knows we’re not doing anything while he’s right in the other room,” the dark haired girl said, pulling her shirt over her head. 

“Ughhh,” Aspen groaned, covering his eyes with one arm. 

He heard Ida laugh through her nose and then she was pressing a soft kiss to his mouth. “Come on, whiney,” she said as she pulled away, taking his hand and pulling him up with an exaggerated groan. “You’re too big for me to be dragging you around.”

And Aspen knew it was a joke, knew she was referring to the fact that she was 154 cm, whereas he was 185, but somehow the comment hurt. He didn’t want to be too big for her. 

 

So that’s how it started. Small comments that were never meant to hurt mixed into an unhealthy obsession with perfection. 

It spiraled because one of the boys in his dance class was the world’s biggest douche.

Maybe before then, he’d skipped a few meals in order to focus better or have a bit more time before school, and sure those excuses were just that- excuses- but it wasn’t something he obsessed over until one day, near Christmas, Luke, his classmate, was showing off his abs in the locker room. Which of course turned into all the boys comparing their physique, like it was some sort of goddamn blessing to have bulkier arms.

“Aspen, what the hell, dude? How did you end up with the hottest girl and the best part in the show with your pudgy stomach?” Luke said suddenly, as Aspen changed in the corner, and all the air drained out of the boy’s lungs.

He knew he wasn’t ripped. He’d always been sort of lean and lanky, except he was soft in all the places there was meant to be muscle. And so suddenly that thing, that had bothered him like an itch at the base of his neck for years, had been thrown into his face with one ugly question. His pudgy fucking stomach.

When he got home that night, Even was reading something with a frown at their kitchen table and Eden was playing video games in the living room and Isak was somewhere, maybe still at work or maybe in the bedroom. “Hey, baby, what’s up?” Even asked as soon as he walked in, smiling up at his boy. 

Aspen blinked. He felt removed, out of his body. Vacant. “Nothing.”

“Mkay. We were thinking of going out for dinner in half an hour. Does that sound good?”

After staring at him for a beat, the green eyed boy shook his head slowly. “I have homework. I’ll, um… I’ll just make soup or something.”

“Are you sure?” Even asked, frowning. 

“Ja, pappa,” Aspen shook his head. He started walking towards his room. “Ja. You guys go out. I’ll be okay.”

He didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he hurried to his room and dropped his bag on the floor, closing the door behind him. Everything was a bit messy, like always, and it was a bit too cold, like always, but suddenly Aspen couldn’t process any of that. It like his receivers had been turned off, and all he could think was how he possibly let himself get this bad. Pudgy stomach, too heavy, too big, taking up too much space in the goddamn world. How could he- how could he become what he’d always wanted to be, one of those beautiful angels, with a body that he couldn’t even mold into the shape he wanted? He couldn’t even make his own body perfect, so how could he make anything in his life worthwhile?

And so he decided he would make his body perfect. His eyes welled over, silent and cool, and he blinked. He just had to turn himself perfect. 

 

“Have you been skipping breakfast?” 

Aspen looked up from where he was sitting in the living room. “What?”

“Have you been skipping breakfast?” his dad repeated, raising his eyebrows. He’d just walked in from the kitchen, still in his work scrubs. 

“No,” the blond boy shook his head. 

“Mm. I just noticed we still have all the bananas I bought last week. You usually eat a banana for breakfast, right?”

“Yeah, um…” Aspen shrugged. “I’ve just been getting food at school.”

“Oh.” Isak walked towards his and pappa’s bedroom. “Okay. Well, make sure you’re eating well. It’s the most important meal of the day, baby.”

And Aspen nodded, because what else could he do?

 

“Hey,” Ida said one day as she sat down next to him and his lunch. “What’s up?” 

He was tired. It was getting to that point in the year where everything was adding up, all his tests and projects were turning into an unclimbable mountain. But instead of saying any of that, he just shrugged. “Nothing.”

Ida frowned at him. “You okay?”

As a little boy, he’d played make-believe and painted stories in the sky with his fingers. He learned through touch and taste, laying next to Eden in the warmth of their bedroom. And they wished on stars and eyelashes, butterfly silk on rosy cheek. They ate veggie straws and watermelon and, somehow, Aspen didn’t worry about the way it tasted. Now, he pushed his pizza around like it was something disgusting. “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? You’ve been weird lately.”

Looking up, Aspen narrowed his eyes. This was his second week of skipping breakfast, and maybe he’d underestimated how much energy that little piece of fruit gave him before school every morning, but he’d also felt stronger than ever these last fourteen days.

“Weird how?”

“Weird like… I don’t know. Distant.” The dark haired girl tugged at her ponytail. 

For a beat, there was only the clatter of trays and the shuffle of feet. Then Apsen leaned over kissed her softly on the mouth. When he pulled back, she was looking at him with big eyes. “What was that for?”

“I’m sorry for being distant,” he said, brushing soft circles over her temples with his thumbs.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Her face was concerned, like he might blow out of her life as easily as smoke. 

“I’m okay,” he nodded. He was okay. And when he dumped the rest of his lunch, saying something about how it tasted shit today, he felt better than ever. 

 

“Aspen, where’s my grey button down?” Eden shouted from his room. The green eyed boy was laying on his stomach in his bed, doing homework. 

“I don’t know,” he called back. 

He felt as Eden walked into his room, and then his brother was nudging him over so he could get into the bed. “Ugh. I’m going with dad and pappa tonight to visit nonna and I don’t have anything to wear.”

“Are you trying to impress nonna?” Aspen laughed, scootching over so that they could both get comfortable. 

“No, but…” Eden shrugged. “I feel like I should dress nicely around her. It’s more respectful.”

“Mmm,” Aspen nodded, only half listening. He felt bad- he knew he’d been doing this to Eden a lot lately, kind of tuning him out, but his head was pounding and he needed to get twenty more problems finished before he could move on to his next subject. 

“Yeah. Well. If you see my button down, tell me,” the blue eyed boy said, standing and stretching. “And I warmed up some pizza. There’s more in the kitchen.”

“Not hungry,” Aspen said on autopilot. “I’ll eat later. After these problems.”

“Okay. See you, bro.”

Without lifting his eyes from the page, Aspen ignored the gnawing in his stomach. “See you.”

 

It was tricker on the nights they were all home for dinner. When his dads had commented on his changing form the first couple of times, he’d been able to play it off as puberty, growing bodies, things will inevitably change. But how could they believe that the skin clinging to bone was just natural if he sat there, bare-plated while they gawked? 

“Are you sick, sweetheart?” Isak asked as played with his food for the second night in a row. Aspen frowned. 

“No.”

“Are you sure? You look pale.” Suddenly one of Even’s hands was over his forehead and Aspen closed his eyes. It felt nice. It was gone too quickly, but he shook the feeling away. He was a display, a magic show, a three-tiered human. Knees, hips and shoulders. He was a rib-caged martyr, and martyrs don’t have their fathers hold them as they break down into nothing. 

“You’re not warm,” his pappa said, nodding. 

Isak frowned. “Alright. Maybe you’re just tired.”

“Yeah,” Aspen nodded. “I’m fine.” He lifted a forkful of food into his mouth and hated himself for revelling in the taste. Once he’d swallowed, he closed his eyes again. “Just tired.”

After dinner, while his dads were doing the dishes, Aspen walked into the kitchen and watched them. 

“So you won’t even give me one little hint?” he heard his dad ask as he washed out a cup.

“Nope. It’s a surprise.”

“But it’s date night! Date night is never a surprise! How will I know what to wear?”

“I’ll tell you what to wear,” his pappa said, smiling. Aspen let out a soft sigh and they both turned around. 

“Hey, bud. What’s up?” Isak said immediately. 

“Oh, um, nothing,” Aspen shook his head. He felt almost a little dizzy. He didn’t need food; he sucked up air like a vacuum, and it pressed the empty in his stomach out and he felt like a whole person. A person who hung christmas ornaments and tea bags from his collar bones. But he did need to feel small, and so he walked to Even and quietly buried his face in his pappa’s chest. “I’m just… I do actually feel a little sick.” 

Even wrapped strong arms around him, and he felt Isak press one hand to his back and rub soft circles. “Aw, sweetheart. Why don’t you go lay down?” 

“We’ll bring you some water and a warm wash cloth, baby, okay?” Even added into his hair. 

There was a quiet moment before Aspen nodded, but, still, he didn’t let go. 

 

“Aspen- Aspen, nei, watch your form,” his dance instructed tutted from the bar. He tried to listen to her and complete his jeté, tried to ignore his breathlessness and that feeling of dread that was running down the inside of his throat and pooling in his stomach. 

“Aspen, to the music! To the- jesus, the show is in three days!”

His partner moved towards him, allégro, and he caught her by the waist and moved her through the air, but he put her down a beat too early, and even though they tried to compensate, the music was suddenly shut off. 

“Aspen, do you need to go home? Where is your head?” the instructor asked, voice rigid and upset. The blond boy tried to catch his breath, hands on his hips, almost shaking. 

“Nei, nei,” he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m fine.”

“Good! Now, from the top!” Their instructor walked back to the edge of the floor as the music began again. 

 

Ida caught up with him as he left that day. 

“Hey- hey! What’s up? Bella said you got yelled at?”

Closing his eyes, Aspen tried to keep walking, but she was tugging on his arm. 

“Are you okay?” Ida asked, voice soft and worried. Aspen finally slipped his arm out of her grasp and pushed through the studio doors. 

“I’m fine. I’m going home,” he said as they swung shut behind him. He didn’t have to turn around to know that Ida’s face was colored pink with hurt and confusion. 

 

They kept a fruit bowl on the kitchen table. Aspen stared at it, tracing the cool skin with his fingers. If the serpent offered him the apple, he would not bite into it, because the skin would stretch his skin and its flesh, his flesh. When Eve bit into the spoil of the tree, she became the spoil of paradise. He didn’t want to be the spoil, he wanted to be the prosper. He wanted to be the yield. 

Eden walked in, and Aspen pulled his hand away from the fruit as if it were acid. “Hey,” his brother said, walking over. He grabbed an orange. “What’s up?”

Breathing out slowly, Aspen watched him break the peel. “I think I fucked up with Ida,” he finally said. 

Eden looked up with him with raised eyebrows. “What?” he asked. “Why? How?”

“I snapped at her after practice… I danced really shit and Mrs. Devos yelled at me, and I was in a bad mood,” Aspen said quietly. “I was kind of a dick to her.”

After staring at him for a few moments, Eden frowned. “Apologize, then.” He pulled out a piece of the orange and bit into it. 

Aspen felt his stomach crumble. “Yeah.” 

 

The thing is, nobody could tell him he wasn’t living. Because that pudgy stomach had turned flat and that weight he couldn’t lift had gone down, because he drank a gallon of water a day and it made him feel less dizzy and because- because he was doing things. He was turning himself into a landscape. His hips were becoming fucking mountains and his stomach was valley and his ribs had rivers running through them. There was an ocean between his thighs. He was turning myself into a success story. He was a fruit- the more he spoiled, the sweeter he became. Syrupy, sickening, but at least he could catch all the flies in his sugary goo and earn their envy as they whispered how did you do it? So when Ida traced the bruises on his hips as they layed in bed, as he rushed out an excuse of falling during a routine- while she was in the bathroom, of course, that’s why she didn’t see- and, so, when Eden asked why the circles under his eyes were getting so dark lately, and when his pappa told him he should really be eating more, he needed to put on weight, he just kept repeating in his head that it was worth it, worth it, worth it. 

 

“Hi,” Faina wrapped him in a hug so tight he could feel her every muscle. “Oh my god, hi.”

She was home for Christmas, and she looked beautiful and happy as ever. Aspen smiled up at her, his sister, before Eden barrelled between them and threw both arms around her shoulders, making her laugh. “Hi, Eden.”

“Ugh, I hate when you stay away for so long,” the blue eyed boy complained, before pulling away and looking down at her. “Dad and pappa are gonna fucking lose it when they see you’re home early.”

“That was the plan,” Faina said, putting down her bag. She unzipped her coat. “What’s up with you guys?”

“Nothing, really,” Eden shrugged, and then Faina turned towards Aspen and he realized he was going to have to respond, too. 

“Oh, uhm…” the green eyed boy shrugged. “Yeah. Nothing.”

 

That night, they were all piled in her room, and she was painting his nails a light pink. “You look thinner,” she said softly. 

“I know, right? I keep telling him,” Eden said from his place on the floor. Aspen swallowed. 

“Dance is a lot right now. If I’ve lost weight, it’s because of that.”

“Hm,” Faina hummed shortly. “Don’t push yourself too hard, little bro. You’ll break.”

Aspen watched as she applied another smooth coat. His heart was glowing and sinking at once. He was fragile enough to break.

At restaurants, it’s so much harder to hide what you’ve avoided eating, so he stopped going to restaurants. At parties they serve lofthouse sugar cookies and doritos and beer, so he stopped going to parties. In the mornings, he bloated, and in the afternoons he spent hours in the bathroom, constipated and angry, and he would remember why he was doing this in the first place. If his body as still misbehaving, then clearly it hadn’t been beaten enough. 

But it was getting too hard. Ida was starting to not be able to ignore the bruises over his fishhook hips, and she didn’t buy his excuses to avoid hooking up as he spent them like pocket change. Eden noticed food he threw away and asked him what the fuck was going on, his dads worried and begged him to try to eat more as his cheeks got gaunter and his head got heavier. Just, the thing was, he needed to be able to feel his heartbeat in his forehead or else he’d feel like a bigger failure than ever. 

 

They had dance class and body felt like dead weight. 

“Hi,” Ida said as she walked up next to him, dropping her bag at his feet. Aspen turned, forced a smile, dropped down to kiss her waiting mouth. 

“Hi,” he said back. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun on the top of her head, eyebrows starker like this. She frowned, eyes dark. They crinkled around the edges as she drew in her eyebrows. 

“Why didn’t you answer me last night? Are you okay?” she asked, reaching up to cup the side of his face with one hand. He looked like shit and he knew it, too tired, eyes too dark underneath and hair too messy. 

Instead of saying yes or no or don’t worry about it, he leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and then the nose. “I love you.” 

She opened her mouth, but then their teacher walked in, clapping her hands together, and everyone ran over to the bars, ready for warm ups. Aspen smiled, squeezed Ida’s hand before dropping it. “Let’s go,” he said, walking over. She followed a few seconds later. 

“Alright, everybody get in first position,” their instructor said, and Aspen followed. He could feel Ida watching him but he could also feel something horrible in his chest, something that felt a bit too much like losing control. 

The class went on, and he was going through the motions, pliés and arabesques and suddenly, during a pirouette, that out of control feeling rose up from his chest and into his forehead and everything went fuzzy and then the fuzzy went dark. 

 

When he woke up, his instructor was hovering over him and Ida was kneeling by his side. She had one of his hands tight between hers and her eyes were sorry and scared. “Aspen,” she breathed as soon as they made eye contact. 

“Hi,” he breathed back. His head was pounding. He must’ve hit the ground hard. “Did I pass out?”

Ida nodded, bringing their joined hands to her face. 

Shutting his eyes, Aspen rested his head against the cool ground. “Sorry. I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Ida, please help Aspen off to the side,” their instructor said gently. She looked at him with a small frown. “Get some rest.” 

As soon as they were leaned against the wall on the edge of the room, Ida closed her eyes. “Aspen?”

“Yeah?”

She brought his hand to her mouth, pressed a firm kiss to it before ghosting the words, “I’m gonna tell your dads.”

And Aspen’s body went colder than before. He ripped his hand away. “No.”

“Yes.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes. I am,” Ida nodded. She looked at him with moony, teary eyes. “I have to.”

Aspen could feel himself start shaking. If she told his dads he’d passed out they’d know something was wrong, and she’d tell them all her suspicions, too, and they were already suspicious, and yeah it might be nice not to feel so alone but if they found out they’d make him eat and if they made him eat they’d ruin everything and so- “If you tell them, I’ll never forgive you.”

Ida closed her eyes and let out a trembly breath. “Okay.”

“So- so you don’t even care about us?!” Aspen asked, panicked, desperate to make her angry enough that she’d forget about this. 

“I care about you,” Ida whispered, “so much more than I care about us. And you’re sick.”

“I’m not-”

“You are.”

“I’m not sick, I’m just tired!”

“Look at you!” Ida snapped suddenly, eyes flying open. “You’re dying! I love you so much, I- I can’t watch you disappear, I just can’t-” a sob ripped out of her and she pressed both hands over her mouth, lowering her head into her knees. 

Aspen closed his mouth. He’d never seen her cry before, not since they were toddlers. He’d certainly never made her cry. 

And suddenly he felt so, so immeasurably tired. Like all the weight of the secrets and the lies and the shame were piling down on him at once. So he rested his head against the wall and layed one arm over her shoulders. “Okay,” he whispered. 

“Okay?” Ida sniffed, looking up at him, confused. 

Aspen felt as his eyes glassed over, tears welling and dripping too quickly. “I’m sick,” he said, and the words felt heavy and bitter. But his next words surprised him. “I need help.” These were cool and sweet and soft, and they felt like the most honest thing he’d said in a year. “I need help, Ida.”

He started shaking harder, shutting his eyes. He could feel Ida taking long, deep breaths beside him, and then she was pulling him into a hug, somehow managing to tuck his head under hers. “My love,” she whispered, shaky and high-pitched back. “I’ll help you. We’ll help you.”

 

When his pappa came to pick him up, Ida walked out first, head held back like she wasn’t shaking down to her very core. Aspen watched her put her head down, close her eyes, and started talking. Even, who’d been surprised to see her walking out, brought one hand to his mouth. Aspen had to look away. 

 

The ride home was long and silent, and Even kept one hand over Aspen’s knee the whole time. As they pulled in, he waited for Aspen to get out and then pulled him into the tightest hug. “It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart,” he said, voice breaking. Aspen tried not to lose focus. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Isak was waiting for them inside, and as soon as they walked in he stood, both hands over his mouth. “Oh, baby,” he breathed out, walking over and wrapping shaky arms around Aspen’s shoulders. “Your teacher said you passed out? Are you okay?”

“Issy, my love, we need to talk about something,” his pappa cut him off softly, laying one hand on Isak’s back. “Apsen, why don’t you go wait in your room for a while?”

Nodding numbly, Aspen watched them walk away, his dad confused. After a few moments of standing alone, he moved towards his room, too. 

It was the same light blue as ever, the windows tall and airy, but he couldn’t focus on any of that. He felt like he was on pins and needles. Like the deepest part of him had just been ripped out and exposed to the light for the first time. He felt like everything was falling apart in too-bright slow motion.

But there was nothing he could do. So he sat down and pulled out his phone and opened it and shakily scrolled through his contacts, his games, his photos. He wanted to text somebody but didn’t know who. He wanted to scream but couldn’t.

 

After a long time, his dads came back in his room. “Hey, baby,” Even said as he walked in, Isak trailing loosely behind him. “You ready to talk?”

Aspen didn’t look at them, only shrugged. His dads took that as a cue for yes and walked all the way in, sitting down on the bed beside him. 

“We’re gonna take you to see a doctor, okay, sweetheart? You’re not well,” Even said, staring at him. Aspen could only tell from his peripheral vision. “You passed out, angel. You’re body’s shutting down.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Aspen asked softly, clenching his jaw. 

“Of course you know that,” Isak cut in, shaking his head. “But we just need you to know that we’re not taking you immediately to a doctor because we think you’re crazy, or because we don’t want to help you. We just need to know if you’re okay or not, and how to make sure you’re going to get better.”

After a static moment, Aspen nodded. 

“We love you so much, angel,” Even said, taking one of his hands. “And we both know what it’s like to deal with a mental illness, even though none of our experiences are the same. Your sister knows, too. We would never judge you, sweet boy, or blame you. But some things around here are gonna have to be different. Okay?” Aspen closed his eyes, trembling. It was all too much. “We’re gonna do what the doctor says, and what we think is right, and what you tell us you need.”

His dad put one hand over his knee. “And you are so brave, sweetheart, for telling Ida you need help. You’re so brave and so strong. And I know you’re probably scared right now, and that you’re feeling very raw, but you never have to be scared with us, baby. All we ever want is for you to be healthy and happy.” Aspen felt as his face began to get wet. “So, right now, how about the three of us go watch a film. You can chose. And then pappa will make dinner, and you’ll do what you can. And then, tomorrow, you’re gonna stay home from school, and we’ll take you to the doctor, okay?”

The room was a bit too warm as Aspen lowered his head into his hands and nodded. “I’m sorry,” he managed, quiet and broken. 

“Oh, baby, don’t be sorry,” Isak said quickly, and then he and pappa were standing Aspen up and wrapping him in the tightest hug. “Never be sorry, my love.”

Aspen nodded again, but he didn’t stop crying for a long time. 

 

The doctor told them he weighed 137 pounds and that his BMI was just over 17. She told them he needed to be eating 2,700 calories a day in order to start gaining back weight. Small meals, dispersed throughout the day, and nothing radically different from his normal diet. At least at first. She also said he needed to stop dancing for a while. 

Aspen couldn’t cause a scene, but he felt his whole body seize up. As soon as they walked out of the clinic, he started shaking his head at his dads. “I can’t- I can’t quit dance, I can’t-”

“You’re not quitting, baby, you just have to take a break. Your teacher will understand,” Even said, quickly pulling him into a hug. 

“No, no, if I do that I’ll never catch up and I’ll-” Aspen started shaking too hard to speak, mouth open and breath coming out too short. “I can’t lose that, too, pappa. I can’t.”

“You won’t lose it, baby,” Even mumbled. “You won’t.”

And there wasn’t much Apsen could do besides slowly let go and teeter towards the car. The axis of his world was tipping over. 

 

“Hey, bud,” Isak said as he tapped on Aspen’s door later that evening. “Ida’s here.”

Aspen was in bed, in his PJs and a sweater. It was cold. He felt sick. He’d just been made to eat his first real meal in months, and his body wanted to reject it. His dads had stayed with him for the first hour after they’d eaten, doctor’s orders, to make sure he wouldn’t make himself throw everything back up. 

Now, with those words, he felt even sicker. After a few moments, he managed to mumble something along the lines of, “She can come in,” and then his door was opening. 

Ida walked in and Isak closed the door behind her. She looked tired and sick. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Aspen said back, nervous at the sight of her for the first time in his life. He sat up and she walked over, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Aspen shrugged. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Ida whispered, shaking her head slightly. She wouldn’t look at him. “I, um… I just came by to say that… if you… you know. I know you might be really mad at me, and if you want us to… break up, then I, um…” her words got too thick to keep going so she stopped and wiped at her eyes. 

Aspen scrambled to reach forward, take her head into his hands and kiss her forehead. “No, no, oh my god, no. I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I hurt you and made you think that, I’m sorry I fucked this up, but I never- I don’t want to break up. I love so much. Oh my god, I love you so much.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Ida tried to soothe him, shaking her head. “We’re okay. I just wanted to- I just wanted to make sure.”

Letting out a soft sigh, Aspen pulled back and looked at her, eyes filling with tears for what felt like the millionth time. “I just… they said I have to stop dance.”

Ida’s whole face went soft. “Oh,” she said softly. “Oh, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Aspen admitted shakily. “I just- I feel so fucking stupid and I-”

“You’re not stupid,” Ida interrupted, taking one of his hands. Slowly, she tugged them down so that they were laying across from each other, and then she reached out and ran her fingers gently through his golden hair. “You’re not stupid. And you’re going to get better. And then you’ll dance again, okay? And until then… until then, I’ll take a break, too.”

“No,” Aspen argued immediately. “No, you’re not taking a break for me. I want you to keep dancing.”

Sighing slightly, Ida traced his cheekbone with her thumb. “Okay,” she nodded after a beat. “But whatever you need me to do, baby… just tell me. Okay?” She searched his eyes. “Please don’t shut me out again.”

Aspen stared back at her before giving a small nod. “I won’t.”

And this was all Ida could ask for, so she pulled him closer and kissed the in between of his eyebrows. Before long, they were both sleeping. 

 

Faina came home for the summer a few weeks later, hair as short and curly as ever. One night after she got home, she, Lisa, Aspen and Eden were watching a movie out in their living room. 

At one point, Faina went to make more popcorn, and Aspen followed to get a glass of water. As they stood in the kitchen, he could feel her watching him. “How are you?” she asked after a few silent seconds. 

“I’m fine,” Aspen said immediately. He watched his water glass fill without turning towards her. He didn’t mean to do this, hated doing this. But for so long, he had been on autopilot. It was hard to take control again.

And, besides, he was doing fine. He was feeling stronger than he had in a long time, and yeah maybe he’d been sick for what felt like hours the day before because his body was so fucked it couldn’t handle ice cream, and yeah sometimes he felt like he deserved to die because he’d eaten half a sandwich, but, at least recently, things had begun to get a bit easier. 

He just couldn’t say any of that. 

He knew his dads hadn’t told her anything, just like they hadn’t told Eden anything. They respected his privacy and his right to information about his health. And Aspen loved that, was so glad he didn’t have to endure more worried looks, but another part of him felt bad. He was really tired of keeping things from people.

So later, when the movie was finished and it was dark out, he walked down to Faina’s room. And then back to his room. And then down to hers again. On the third round trip, she opened her door and poked her head out. “Why are you pacing around out here?”

And Aspen stared at her. She looked cozy, in her giant sweatshirt and PJ pants, but he knew how many nights she’d spent not cozy at all, gasping for air or laying, static, mind refusing to shut down. He knew she would understand. 

Eden rounded the corner, rubbing one eye. “What’s going on?” he asked when he noticed them standing in their awkward positions. And Aspen knew he would understand, too. So he looked at both of them and took a deep, trembly breath. 

“Let’s just, um…” he fiddled with his hands. “I have something I wanna tell you guys.”

 

“You’re back down to 146,” his doctor said, writing the number down with finality. 

“He’s down?” Isak said from where he was sitting. Aspen lowered his head, embarrassed. 

“Only by a pound and a half. I wouldn’t worry about it. The human body is constantly changing,” she said, smiling at them as she finished writing. 

“But- is there something we should be doing differently?” Isak continued, narrowing his eyes. 

“As long as your following the diet I layed out and Aspen is working hard to get better, you’ll be fine. This is just a small loss. As long as you’re not trying to lose weight again, Aspen, it’s fine.” She looked at him expectantly and he quickly shook his head. 

“I’m not!”

“Okay then,” she smiled again. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

 

On the car ride home, his dad was quiet. Aspen knew he was trying to bring up the weight loss but didn’t know how. 

“I’m not starving again. You watch me eat at home and Ida watches me at school and you make sure I don’t throw up after,” he finally said.

Isak looked at him with a small frown. “I know that, baby. I trust you.”

“And it’s not like I could get away with hiding my food. You check my pockets and stuff.”

“I know,” Isak said, shaking his head. “I believe you.”

“So then why are you acting so weird?” Aspen snapped, leaning his head against the window. He heard his dad sigh.

“I’m not trying to. I’m just a bit worried. But I don’t think you’re lying to us or hiding anything, sweet boy. I trust you. Okay?” 

“Then why is this happening?” Aspen finally asked, frustration breaking his voice. “I’m doing everything right, so why is this happening?”

“Hey,” Isak said softly, reaching over to take one of his hands. “Nothing is happening. Like Dr. Olsen said, the human body is constantly changing. I remember giving you the puberty talk, so I know you know this.” He smiled, and Aspen couldn’t help but give a small smile, too. “Aspen, you’re gonna have a few set backs. But this is tiny, and it’s not your fault. Never your fault. You’re working hard and you’re trying to get better, and that is so brave of you. And we are so proud. So you’re gonna gain back the pound and a half, and then some more pounds, until you’re healthy. And you’re gonna be okay.”

Sighing, Aspen let the smile fade. After a few beats, he nodded. “Okay.”

 

“Hi, baby,” Ida said, sitting down next to him as she kissed his cheek. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Aspen said, covering his mouth before swallowing and leaning down to kiss her on the mouth. “How are you?” 

“I’m good,” Ida smiled back at him. Then she rolled her eyes. “But I had a fucking hard chem test today. I think my teacher is trying to make sure I never go to uni.”

“Impossible,” Aspen shook his head. “No way he could get the smartest girl in school rejected from any university.”

Ida rolled her eyes again, flushing. “I’m pretty sure he could. Just write me a really shit recommendation.”

“If he did, I’d just write you a thousand amazing recommendations to cancel it out,” Aspen shrugged. 

Laughing through her nose, Ida raised her eyebrows. “What would it say?”

“Genius. Strong as fuck. Kind. Compassionate. Funny. Great in bed,” the blond boy replied, making her blush harder and bite down on her smile. 

“I don’t that’d get me into uni.”

“Yeah, maybe we should keep the last one between us.”

Eden and Kristine, Vilde’s daughter, and Mahdi’s son, Johan, and their friend Jasper started walking over, so Ida only rolled her eyes at him one last time and then took his hand from under the table.

 

Aspen had just finished putting away his clothes, after a long while of tidying up his room, when he heard a knock on his door. “Come in,” he called. 

The door opened and Eden walked in, looking a bit sheepish. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Aspen said back, raising his eyebrows. Eden looked down at his feet. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” the blue eyed boy replied softly. “I just, um… I just wanted to hang out.”

“Oh,” Aspen said, standing still. “Okay.”

Eden walked over and sat on the edge of his bed. “How are you?” he asked. 

Walking over to sit next to him, Aspen gave a toothy smile. “I’m good,” he said. 

Looking up at him with big eyes, Eden blinked. “Okay,” he nodded. He was quiet for a few seconds, before saying, softly, “You’re my best friend, you know.”

At this, Aspen smiled and looked at him. “Hey,” he said. “You’re my best friend, too.”

Eden looked back at him. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Aspen nodded. “You and Ida. But with you, it’s different.”

Eden let out a soft, pleased laugh. “Yeah,” he nodded. “And you know you can tell my anything, right?”

“Yeah,” Aspen said. “I know. And you can tell me anything, too.” 

Eden nodded, wringing his hands together. “I know. Do you wanna play FIFA?”

Smiling, Aspen stood. “Sure. If you’re ready to lose.”

 

And as they played, when their dads got home and challenged them to two on two, and when Ida texted him I love you that night, and when Faina called the next day to catch up, Aspen could feel himself healing. And when his dads told him it was time for dinner the next night, he was able to take a deep breath and say, "Okay."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments encourage me lots<3


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